We throw around the word “love” so easily — but have you ever stopped and asked yourself what kind of love you’re actually experiencing?

I didn’t… not until I stumbled onto the idea that there are three distinct types of love happening in our brains. Not the poetic, dreamy kind — the literal, biological kind. And suddenly a lot of my past relationships made sense.

These three loves — Lust, Passion, and Commitment — don’t happen all at once. They don’t always arrive in order. And sometimes, you can be in one love while the other person is in another entirely. Inspired by the Three Loves Theory explored by Mark Manson.

When I realized this, I started replaying past relationships in my mind like old movies.
And I’ll be honest… the plot twists were embarrassing.

Let’s break these down — with the science in mind, but the reflection centered on you and your experiences.

1. Lust: Have You Ever Confused Desire for Connection?

Be honest with yourself for a moment.

Have you ever met someone and felt that immediate spark — the kind that feels like electricity humming under your skin? You don’t know their last name, but something in your body is like:
“Yes. Them. Now.”

That’s Lust.
Pure instinct. No deeper meaning attached.

I’ve mistaken lust for compatibility before — more than once. I thought intensity meant potential. I thought butterflies meant something long-term was unfolding.

But Lust is like a matchstick: bright, hot, and gone in seconds if nothing else is built around it.

Ask yourself:

• Is the pull I feel emotional or just physical?

• Do I actually know this person, or do I just like how I feel around them?

• If the physical chemistry disappeared tomorrow, what would be left?

Sometimes the answer is: honestly, nothing.
And that’s okay — as long as you recognize it for what it is.

2. Passion: Are You in Love… or Just in the Honeymoon Version of Someone?

Passion is where things get messy.

It’s those early “I can’t stop thinking about you” weeks.
It’s the late-night conversations, spontaneous road trips, long kisses that feel cinematic.

It’s intoxicating.
It’s beautiful.
And it can trick you into believing you’ve found your forever.

In one relationship, I remember thinking, “This must be it. This is the person I’ve been waiting for.”
But looking back, what I actually fell in love with wasn’t him — it was the version of him I created in my head.

That’s the tricky thing about Passion: it fills in the blanks with hope.
We project. We fantasize. We future-trip.

Ask yourself:

• Am I in love with who they are, or who I imagine they could be?

• Do I feel steady with them — or high?

• If everything slowed down, would we still connect?

Passion is powerful, but it’s temporary unless something deeper grows.

3. Commitment: Have You Experienced the Kind of Love That Stays When Things Get Hard?

Commitment isn’t glamorous.
It doesn’t sweep you off your feet.
It doesn’t burn like Passion or spark like Lust.

It’s quieter.
Deeper.
Steadier.

It’s when you know someone’s flaws and love them anyway.
It’s when their pain feels like yours.
It’s when your lives blend into something shared rather than parallel.

This kind of love shows up after the excitement fades — and only if you’re compatible in ways that matter.

Think of someone you’ve truly loved long-term (even platonically).
Ask yourself:

• Did we love each other even on the days we didn’t like each other?

• Did conflict bring us closer instead of tearing us apart?

• Did we grow together — or apart?

Commitment takes years to form, and it cannot be faked.
Not by chemistry.
Not by routine.
Not by comfort.

It’s the love that survives life’s storms.

So… Which Love Are You In?

Here’s the uncomfortable truth:

Most heartbreak happens because two people think they’re in the same love — but they’re not.

• One is in Lust.

• The other thinks it’s Passion.

• One believes it’s Commitment.

• The other is still dazzled by the honeymoon stage.

The courage isn’t in choosing the right person.
The courage is in being brutally honest with yourself about which love you’re operating from.

So ask yourself:

• Do I want this person, or just the feeling?

• Am I choosing them… or the fantasy of them?

• Is this connection deepening — or just intensifying?

• Is this love sustainable, or just exciting?

The answers may scare you — but they’ll also free you.